Esto Tu Ipse

My Sun Flower,

Good evening, this is your Da, It’s 9:50pm mountain on March 3, 2022. It’s a Friday night, I just bathed and put your big sister to bed and I’m listening to Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major. If I’m not in your life as much as I should be I want you to know it’s not your fault, I love you and your big sister more than anything in this world, and most important you’re a child born out of love and hope. It’s a Friday night, it’s my night off and I’m thinking about you, I’m thinking about the night I found out about you and kissed your mommy’s tummy and held you so tight. It’s hard to capture the events that led to this moment, but my best advice is if you’re ever upset with someone, especially those you love, wait a few moments, listen to one of your favorite songs, soak in your thoughts before you speak. I spent more than a few years enjoying life more than I should, but right now I’m committed to giving you a future, a house, a library, a wrestling gymnasium, everything a young prodigy needs. You give me hope my little Sun Flower, you’re my all star and you give me faith, I have faith I will succeed despite all trials, you give me the courage of Prince Siegfried (I can’t wait to take you and your sister to see Swan Lake every Christmas, a new family tradition).

I have a plan my Little Sun Flower, I know I can do it after all, I’ve walked the streets of New York City without a home, sleeping in the subway, exploring the statues in Central Park, I’ve swam in the ocean where it’s so vast all you see is ocean in every direction you look and the thought of the large creatures swimming bellow humbles your very bones, I’ve climbed mountains in the coldest of winters, and I’ve fought the mighty snarling Gruffalo and lived to tell the tale. I give my word to you that I will give you best future and always be there for you, I give you this oath, not blood oath, no, an oath more powerful, an oath before God and everything I hold close, an oath from my very soul: I will begin a career and provide for you, after all I still have my full financial aid eligibility, see, I can make it work. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms my little sun flower. Hmm, I got side tracked, where was I, oh yes, the night I found out about you, there I was, like it was just two weeks ago on the 19^th of February, 2021…

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Good evening my little Sunflowers(?), It's Friday night, March 4, 2022, your mom told me there are two of you, my heart could not be filled with more joy. I can’t stop thinking about you and your mom. I can’t believe she emailed me today, I felt like I just won the football game and the head cheerleader smiled at me. My heart is filled with hope that I can keep writing to you. It appears I must buy another Beretta to pass down that is of course if I don’t have a chance to give your mom back the Berretta that I bought for her then I may end up buying two more Berettas.

I woke up early this morning and went to the gym, your da is building up muscle, eating right and wants to live to be 120 years old, I think I can make it given the advances in robotic technology. I also went to the shooting range for the first time in a long time, your old man knows how to handle a pistol, I can’t wait to show you.

Your big sister, Bella Bear has a cough it pains my heart hearing her cough in her sleep. I’ve been cleaning and buying new curtains trying to get the house spotless. I was looking at houses today and dreaming of the perfect 4-bedroom house for all of us.

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Good evening my little Sun Flowers, it Saturday night, March 6, 2022, I must say I’ve had a lonely day today, your big sister Bella Bear had to go with the Gruffalo today. Don’t be sad for me, I had a chance to take out my skateboard and go for a cruze. There’s nothing like the vibration and crunching sound of asphalt as the skate wheels cut though the small pebbles and grain. I came to realize that I’ve made many fullish decisions the last week and I owe your Poppa Juan, your uncle JJ, your auntie Steph, and most importantly your beautiful wonderful mom an apology.

Your family loves and cares about your mom, and I haven’t provided an emotionally or financially stable place for her to live and they have every right to question if I’m good enough, I mean in all fairness, I wouldn’t want a scoundrel like myself dating your auntie Elsa (even though she is coo coo for co co puffs). Please my little Sun Flowers if your heart is full of pride jealousy or anger, just take a step back and think about what you’re saying. On a positive note, I’m writing a five-page apology letter in MLA essay format complete with annotations and cited sources, I’m going university basement research levels with my apology. More importantly, your wonderful mom told me she missed me today, I’m so happy right now it’s tough to sleep, I’m even doing the La Chona dance. I can’t wait until we can all dance La Chona as a family and show our moves off to your mom.

I can’t stress enough, if you’re ever angry just get on the long board and cut some pavement. It’s not about dancing on the board or landing a trick to post on youtube, just let the curves and distortions of the road guide your journey. Just you and the board and your own thoughts. I love you all so much I can’t wait to hold you in my arms.

Good evening my little Sun Flowers, it is Sunday night, March 7, 2022. Sunday is a very important day of the week for our family it is a day where we spend the evening laughing with each other, listening to music and making wonderful food for each other that we can share throughout the week. Today I’m by myself the Gruffalo still has your big sister and your mom is in a different house taking care of you.

As keeping with the family tradition I’ve been listening to the Rolling Stones and grilling chicken breasts using the salt water and brine method your mother Cyn Cyn taught me. Your Grandfather poppa Byron used to listen to the Rolling Stones every night, he was a great litigator and attorney in Southwest Texas, in his honor I’m listening to Beast of Burdon from the Stone’s “Some Girls,” LP, I really need to introduce into vinal, there’s not a finer way to listen to music, after all we’re artists and there’s no price tag attached to full vibrant music that captures every sound.

“I'll tell ya

You can put me out

On the street

Put me out

With no shoes on my feet

But put me out, put me out

Put me out of misery, yeah

All your sickness, I can suck it up

Throw it all at me

I can shrug it off

There's one thing, baby

I don't understand

You keep on telling me

I ain't your kind of man

Ain't I rough enough? Ooh, honey

Ain't I tough enough?

Ain't I rich enough? In love enough?

Ooh, please”

Always keep your faith my little ones, keep your self confidence and if you feel your love is true and your belief is pure, don’t be dissuade by the player haters of the world. You have the magic stuff, I believe in you my little ones and I’m here to walk though the worst of the multiverse for you!!!

With all of my Love and Soul

You’re DA

-Vitium

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Good evening my little Sun Flowers, it’s Monday night, March 7, 2022, tomorrow is a big day, your mommy gets to see you for the first time. Even though your big sister and myself can’t see you, we’re emotionally, mentally, and spiritually with you and your mom. There’s going to be days where we may be far apart in distance but our hearts and spirits will always be linked and touching holding each other.

I ordered some boots yesterday, it’s always important to have a good pair of boots with a proper shank and outsole that can be replaced, your feet stabilize the rest of your body and keep everything aligned. I can’t wait to teach you about boots and proper footwear, I took my Cyn Cyn hiking last November. I remember her beautiful smile when I bought her a pair of hiking boots. We ended up hiking a small trail and I held her massive yeti water canaster while your big sister was trapped to my back in a tactical backpack. Perhaps when the season changes and it’s spring, I’m going to invite your mom to hiking with me and Bella Bear. Tonight I’m listening the Beatles, one of their last concerts in a live impromptu set on a rooftop, Don’t let me down…

“Don't let me down

Don't let me down

Nobody ever loved me like she does

Oh she does,

Yes she does

And if somebody loved me like she do

Oh she do me,

Yes she does

Don't let me down

I'm in love for the first time

Don't you know it's gonna last

It's a love that lasts forever

It's a love that had no past

Don't let me down

Don't let me down”

Your Da,

-Vitium

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Good evening my little Sun Flower, Jai guru deva, om, it’s Tuesday night, March 8, 2022. I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you today, to kiss your mommy’s tummy, to hold your mommy’s hand while we got to see you for the first time. I woke up at 4 in the morning I was so excited the world would see you for the first time. From 10:00 in the morning until after 11:30 in the morning, I waited with my phone on full volume to hear the news about you. When I finally got the news, I had to take a break from work and run through my apartment, I couldn’t stop smiling. Your mom told me she would send me pictures after she makes more copies, I can’t wait to see you. Please don’t ever feel I don’t want to hold you or be next to you I’m blessed to have you and your older sister as my children you’re my moon and stars.

“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind

Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

They call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they

They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

“Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing

Through my open ears inciting and inviting me

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns

It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva”

-Lennon John Winston / Mccartney Paul James

Glory to the shining remover of darkness,

You’re DA

-Vitium

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Good afternoon my Little Sun Flower and my Little Bella Bear, your Da loves you both more than anything in this world and I wake up over joyed each morning I get to spend another day with my little shinning lights in the darkness. It’s March 10, 2022, I’m sorry I didn’t write to you last night. I confessed my love to your mom over the phone. We had a long talk, I told her my mind, heart, and soul are with her even though we can’t see each other. I’m not certain about my family’s future, but I’m with you, my loves. I am given a chance a shot, if give away piece of my soul a piece of my lifeforce, part of my believes and ideas handed down to me though generations of Men in our family, I have a shot, not a guarantee, but a shot to be with you both. For this shot, this gamble with chance, I’m going to take it.

“The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation

I stopped an old man along the way

Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies

He turned to me as if to say

"Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do”

-David F Paich / Jeffrey T Porcaro

My Great grandfather lived in the ancient times before the borders of Texas and Mexica were defined by walls and gates. It was common for men of all types from the humble shepherds and herders to the scoundrels of the world to travel back and forth. In their machinations to control the people of the land, the oppressive Mexican government and their Federales would enforce a strict no fire arm law. Your great-great grandfather Alejo a defender of men spat in the oppressive government’s face and tied the grip of his pistol with a string and carried his gun inside his waistband.

I’m sacrificing this legacy for you my loves, I’m giving you my very soul to be with you my loves, and I do this with open arms and without any hesitation.

With all of my love

Your DA,

-Vitium

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Good evening my little ones, my Sun Flower and my Bella Bear, I’m excited about tomorrow, I’m going to gym early then I’m going to grill some steaks at the park. I can’t wait until we’re all together, chasing the ducks and laughing at my dad jokes. It’s Thursday night, March 10, 2022 and I’m at home listening to old music and singing. Remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re off key or can’t carry a tune, it’s about the passion, the emotion, the feeling. Express yourself from your heart!!

Your DA,

-Vitium

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My little Sunflower and my Bella bear, I’m so sorry I haven’t written to you, I thought I had a shot at being able to see you more. Every night I think about you both. My little Sunflower, I’m so happy right now, I got kiss and hold you for a moment last night, your mom invited me to her house and I got to hold you. It was only for a moment, but while I was on my knees with check placed against your mommy’s tummy, I could feel your warmth. I want to cherish these moments I know I’m not going to get to hold you often so I want to remember every single time. I left your grandfather’s ruger mark II pistol with your mom, I hope she can give you this family heirloom one day. It’s a Monday afternoon, March 14, 2022.

Your older sister Bella Bear and myself just got back from the grocery store. It’s going to be about an hour before dinner’s ready so got your big sister some gold fish crackers, she’s on the couch munching away watching the count stomp up and down on Sesames Street. I really tried my best my little sunflower, I bought you your first crib and I’ve been buying your mommy groceries. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to keep buying you yummy snacks, I have to ask permission. I know I can’t see you right now, but I don’t want you to ever lose faith give up hope. I’m always going to remember last night when I sat next to your mom on the couch and she played with the diel on my watch and I got rest my head on your mommy’s tummy and be with you for a moment.

All my love,

Your Da

-Vitium

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Good evening my little Sun Flower, it’s March 15, 2022, it’s a Tuesday night. I was tired after work but was able to preheat the oven and get some potatoes baking before I left to pick up your big sister. I opened the door slowly and dragged my leather boot across the portal towards the outside of the apartment. The stiff leather of the new boots had not quite molded to my foot, causing stiffness in my stride. I looked at the edge of the porch and stared at dirty cat dish that was filed used cigarettes. The bowl must have been there collecting cob webs. I didn’t want to look away, I stood and stared with the door open. I thought of Isabella waiting for me took me out of my thoughts, and I quickly locked the door and hurried towards the car. Without a thought, I chose to leave the cigarette bowl and run towards my daughter.

Your Da

-Vitium

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Good evening my little Sunflower, it is Wednesday night, March 16, 2022. I was not feeling good tonight, I had very little motivation to wash the dishes, but after bathing your big sister and brushing her hair and teeth, I put on some Journey and I did not stop believing. I want you to know you don’t have to carry weight all by yourself. I’m always here for you, I’m always here to help you carry the weight.

Your Da,

-Vitium

Good evening my little Sunflower and my Bella Bear, I’m sorry I’m not with you both tonight. And haven’t not written in a few days. Its Saturday March 19, 2022, and I’m home alone thinking about you both. I stayed in last night on Friday night, I’ve been doing a lot thinking. I just want you both to know I love you so much and I’m going to keep working on my education and life to give you everything you need to be successful and feel loved.

Your Da

-Vitium

Good evening my little Bella Bear and my Little Sunflower, it is March 21, 2022, it is a Monday night, sorry I did not write yesterday, I stayed home and thought about everything that has occurred the following week. I want you both to know I am your Da and love you both with all my heart. Little Bella Bear had to go the emergency room again last night, she is having issues with her chest. I have deep cleaned the apartment; I have new curtains. I’m cleaning the bathrooms every day. The place looks spotless. I do need to install the curtains; I’m going to soak in the bath before I get started on that.

I was able to grill some emasculate chicken about an hour ago, I used creole seasoning. The chicken came out perfect, I haven’t been able to cook like this since your mom kissed and held me. If we’re not together as a family it’s not your fault. I said some ugly things to your mom that turned her heart. I pray for forgiveness. I tried to make things better between us, but things you say you can never take back. Please my children, think about what you tell those you love, there are some words that can never be taken back. One of the reasons we’re not together is to protect you my little Sun Flower. Your mom and I have been arguing a lot lately and she decided to leave. It’s my obligation to give her space and respect her wishes. I don’t want her to lose you. I love all three of you so much. I do love your mom with all my heart, she is the woman I’ve waited my whole life for, and if she does not want to see me or talk to me I love her so much I will respect her wishes and I’ll be here for her and for you if she contacts me. My house is her house, my fortunes are her fortunes, my heart is her heart. I’m sorry I’m not with you right now my little Sunflower, but I am with you always.

With all of my love,

Your DA,

-Vitium.

Ps. Bella please get strong we have training to do on the heavy bag and laps to run, use your legs Bella, you can do it!!!!!

My little Sunflower, my little Bella Bear, its's Thursday, March 24, I’ve been really sad the last few days, I heard “our song” the song that your mom and I shared together, “our love,” from the show Arcane. I can’t stop thinking about your mom, everything reminds me of her, I apologized for everything evil I ever said. I made a tic tok series, I was on my hands and knees begging her to come back. I don’t think she’ll ever message me again; I just want to hold you and your mom and for all four us to be a family. I got a promotion at work and if your mom wants to be a stay-at-home mom, I can take care of her. I’m so sorry for everything I said, I just want to hold your mom

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It's Thursday, Mach 31, you have a doctor’s appointment today my little sunflower, I know I keep apologizing that I can’t be there, but believe me, you’re all I’m thinking about, good luck at your appointment my little one, I’m so sorry and I know I’m blamed for everything, but, it’s for our family’s future, everything decision I make, every choice, every thought is for you my little Sunflower and your Big sister Bella Bear. I love you with all my heart, I give you a part of my soul, everything I have is yours, I’m on my knees crying that I can’t be there for you. Your mom is making the decisions she believes are for your future as well, and I have nothing but respect and love for your mom, she’s the person I’ve waited my whole life for and nothing will ever change the love I have for her and for you. Life gets complicated my son, but I am always your Da, my blood is your blood. I pray to God and filled with joy that you are my son and your mom is your mom. I love you both so much. Please have a good day. I will continue working hard at work to get that next promotion. I love being a manager but I think I want my own team 😊. Ok, I need to go run a few miles and punch the heavy bag. Give your mom and big kiss and hug from me, and tell her she’s always in my heart and thoughts.

Your Da

-Vitium

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Its Sunday, April 3, 2022, my little Sunflower and my Bella Bear, I apologize again, I want to write every day, but I’ve been really sad this week, some good things have happened, your Da has made it month of going to the gym, I’ve made it though my first week with my new promotion and new responsibilities, and I have my eye and my mind set to get promoted again, I want to run my own team and teach people from the ground up. However, I feel so lost and alone, I’m living some of the dreams that your mom and I shared, but your mom and I are doing them alone. I wanted to see her smile and see her jump up and down with her arms out, your mom is so adorable when she’s excited and she has a smile that warms and fills the room with joy.

It's already time to do the dishes and head to the gym, it feels like I was just there, everything was so exciting and new with your mom around, even making coffee and seeing your mom’s eyes light up when I poured the creamer for her and served her like a waiter in a Paris Café, now it just seems routine, I just drink the coffee black and stare at the empty chair where your mom used to sit.

Remember my little Sunflower sometimes we must tell our mind to tell our body to do things our body doesn’t want to do like washing the dishes, going to the gym, going to school on time, going to work on time, and even doing the taxes. I’m happy that you’re being born into a good family, you have wonderful grandfather in Poppa, your Auntie and uncle are good people and bought a lot of clothes for your big sister Bella Bear, and your uncle is a good man and you’re going to love your cousins, and most important your mom is the strongest person I have ever met. Your big sister Bella Bear and your Da are here also, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see you or if you’ll ever read this. I’m trying so hard my little Sunflower. I’m not going to give up, I’m respecting your mom’s decision not to contact her, but I want to see her and call her every day, I just want to hold her, but I love your mom so much I am respecting her decision for us not to communicate. (please don’t be resentful towards your mom, I said some vile things to her and broke her heart, remembering how she cried when we argued breaks my heart into a millions of small pieces that are too small to pick up and I’m left with this emptiness, your mom loves you and is doing what she feels is best for you).

On yea, I finally figured out how to adjust the phone settings so that your mom’s call will ring even if my phone is on silent. So if there’s an emergency, or your mom just wants to hear my voice, I’m on call and ready for her and for you at all times. Your mom had told me to figure out the settings many times. I took the little things for granted. Please my little Sunflower, cherish every moment you have with your beautiful mom. I’ll keep working out and when I get a set schedule with work I’ll finally get to enroll in classes. I love you so much.

Your Da

-Vitium

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Good morning my little Sunflower, I love you so much, It’s April 5 2022. I want to tell you so much, it’s been a trying week. I’m doing well, I pray for you and your mom every night. I’m still respecting her space. Your mom, the woman I’ve waited my life for made me a better person, a better man, a better father, better at my job and has given me motivation to keep pushing myself. There’s so much I’ve learned about myself, I want to hold her and tell her everything. Just share a cup of coffee and catch up, your mom is my best friend. and I miss her

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My little Sunflower, my Bella Bear, it’s Friday, April 15, 2022, I don’t know if your mom will ever speak to me again, we haven’t spoken in about 4 weeks. I love her and I decided I’m going to give her space and I’m not going to talk to anyone else and I’m going to hold my love for her until the end of October. Usually I just find another lover and try to forget the past, but I love your mom and you too much for that, at the end of October, 2022, I’ll see how I feel and if it’s time for my heart to move on.

I’m so sad and confused, I wish my best friend would call me, there’s so much I want to ask her and tell her about my job promotion. In the mean time I’ve been going to the gym every day. I lost 25 pounds since your mom moved out, I weigh 175 pounds, I can already bench press 180 pounds. I’m going to keep training my goal is to bench press 245 pounds before you are born my Sunflower, that’s 2 45 plates and a 10 pound plate on each side (45+45+10+45bare+45+45+10), but I think I can get to 250 pounds. I also want to run a marathon the day before you’re born. I’m so freaking lost without your mom, I’m accomplishing all these goals but they’re so empty I just want to hold her for one more night, it freaking hurts that she won’t call me. I’m sorry, I ‘ll try to be stronger for you, but I feel so lost. everything reminds me of her. I'm sorry my love, the woman I waited my whole life for, please call me.

Your Da,

Vitium